[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The funk soul brother
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
reduce, reuse, recycle
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not