I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.