me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.