What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
This story is comedy gold 😂
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign