The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them