Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”