Yup….perfect score!
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*