Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE