Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please