I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘