The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.