“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
You Might Also Like
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Life is a suicide mission.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
“You’d better run, egg!”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*