WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
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6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Florida man
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this