If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
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*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
🍞🦆
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
So the ex texted me
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Guantanamo Bae
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..