*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.