December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
bought wrong eggs
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
No. YOU-buprofen.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?