Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Very good news from my accountant
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Lassie, get help!
Me recordaron éste meme
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.