If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):