I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.