Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
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And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂