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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Wake me when AI does housework
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?