Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
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My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.