first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
one of
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.