Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.