Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.