1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there