Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.