Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
50 shades of grey = my Liver
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.