being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My kitchen overserved me.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
A man of commitment.