*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
#Caturday
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
live long and prosper!
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.