Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018