Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb