Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Autocorrect is my menesis
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.