When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?