Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Netflix and awkward silence?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉