My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
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[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it