[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
You Might Also Like
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
🤣could you imagine
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.