Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You鈥檙e so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That鈥檚 me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I鈥檓 like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A public stoning, but it鈥檚 just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle鈥檚 name is Microphone?!
馃幍 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…馃幍-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Still my favourite meme.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything