Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery