my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
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I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you