ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.