If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine