[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.