Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying