Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
You Might Also Like
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are