Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.