It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Pass gas, not judgment.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
time machine? you mean a clock?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?