A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Alexa: *deep breath*
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?