Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
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ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.