I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry